Saturday 16 August 2008

Quiet in the Library

No place affords a more striking conviction of the vanity of human hopes than a public library
Samuel Johnson 1709-1784

The sport supplement stayed surprisingly inert as it watched the front and back pages make their bid for freedom. Displeased with their previous state of unity, the center pages quickly rebelled from their loose binding making a blind dash across the road in front of the oncoming cars.
A swift gust of wind had mugged me for my newspaper and embarrassed by my own pathetic attempt to rescue the various pages from the busy road, I slinked off to the nearby library in search of less elusive reading material and some much needed peace and quiet. Libraries, after all, are places of quiet where reading, thinking and learning are encouraged and any unecessary noise will be met with a sharp "Shhh!" from the nearest librarian.
My image of the library as being a safehaven for bibliophiles and lovers of peace and quiet was hastily shattered however. Newspaper and destitute, I trawled the downstairs floor in search for something to read, choosing to ignore the man who had passed out in the entrance. I was immediately struck by the constant murmur of voices and groups of people carrying out conversations in raised voices. The familiar noise of clashing cymbals was overflowing from personal headphones, mobiles were ringing loudly and being answered with yet louder conversations ensuing.
Perhaps I might sound petty and slightly misanthropic for criticizing people carrying out their normal lives in what is essentially a public place, but for some the library is the only refuge for reading, working and gaining some much-needed quiet time.
Should library staff not be persuaded to do more to reduce unecessary noise levels in our public libraries? To stop people viewing distasteful internet content on the library computers and using mobile phones?
Next time you find yourself in the center of any town or city aimlessly chasing a rogue newspaper, I suggest that you visit the library so you can see for yourself. But be armed with some ear-plugs.

In Praise of Being Nice

At school we were told to avoid nice. Nice is a lazy word. Nice is unimaginative and uninteresting. Nice is boring. There is a whole plethora of better adjectives waiting to be plucked from the linguistic fruit bowl, why chose the first that comes to mind? At the front of my classroom, as in many, there was a large poster emblazoned with the legend “Never Use Nice!” with a list of more savoury suggestions below just to discourage kids from ever using that filthy word again.
But all this primary school vocab bullying doesn’t seem to have done much good for any of us. We still seem to pick nice to describe just about anything. We go on holiday somewhere nice every once in a while, and if we’re lucky, stay in a really nice hotel with a nice view. Perhaps meet a nice couple who live in a nice cottage a few miles south of Somewhereshire (which is very nice this time of year I hear). All very nice. Is our vocabulary so stinted that we have to resort to recycling the same adjective over and over? Or are we perhaps in fear we’ll run out of words altogether?
Sometimes however, nice is needed. People may think nice is wishy-washy, but to me it’s meaning is very specific. Nice is friendly, nice is unpretentious, nice is humble and unassuming, nice is childishly innocent, it certainly won’t change the world but nice is - when it comes to it, just plain nice. And that’ll do nicely.
People trample all over the good name of nice everyday. Gordon Ramsey, Jeremy Clarkson, Sir Alan Sugar, and Simon Cowell to name a few who grumble and snigger their way onto our televisions every week. All these people for one reason or another have lost the ability to be nice along the way.
Anyone who’s made a name for themselves shouting at, intimidating and belittling others, posturing and being self-indulgent, self-loving and downright selfish should take some time out to consider just being nice.
But all this complaining sort of defeats the object of what I was saying in the first place, so I’ll keep quiet. But hopefully someone reading this article will have dropped the magazine in shock, knocking their skinny latte over their be-suited knees in the process, then swiftly dialled up Margaret from the office to apologise for shouting at her earlier on.
Or maybe someone will take a deep breath before moaning to the waiter that his or her food hasn’t come yet, or to the girl behind the till that they can’t get a refund on their latest purchase; it is after all not their fault. Probably not. But of all the things I can’t stress enough, please: if you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Saturday 16 February 2008

In search of the Little White Dot



"In the future", said Andy Warhol in 1968, "everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes." He has been quoted and re-quoted on this as celebrity culture has grown exponentially ever since. These 15 minute celebrities certainly seem to find their audience in Britain as the average household owns 4.7 televisions, and the average Brit spends 26 hours a week watching TV. We are a nation of sofa louts and channel flickers, slaves to the remote controlled deity. We spend more time watching television than any other activity other than sleeping.



What makes this statistic even more worrying is a brief flick through the tv guide. It is packed with shows like X factor, Dragon’s Den, Popstars and The Apprentice which all seem to follow a common theme. What people really want to see at tea-time it seems, is someone else being the victim of a tirade of abuse and insults from someone richer and more succesful than themselves.



Elsewhere Jimmy Carr lingers menacingly over the telly schedule like a moon-faced harbinger of the cultural apocalypse, quiping one liners in between counting down the public’s 100 favourite films, comedy moments, car crashes and high-school shootings.



And at the very bottom of the tv guide in small print is perhaps the most sinister of all, the late-night game show in which the only contestants are those gullible enough to ring in for a pound a minute. The presenter (who is the love-child of a Butlins redcoat and Lucifer himself) nervously fills time as he or she waits for the winning caller, telling unrelated anecdotes and repeating the mantra "it could be your lucky night! Dave from Staines phoned in earlier tonight and won £500".



Poor Dave from Staines, lonely, bored and brainless enough to phone in, but lucky enough to escape with the cash. Spare a thought for those poor dejected others sitting alone in glum hope, their phones on constant re-dial, the pale glow of the tv illuminating their faces, bent with the torment that they know the glaringly obvious missing word in the pyramid, but are unable to get through.



This is the sad truth of television in the infancy of the 21st century, it’s all about making the most money, spending the least and assuming every viewer is an ADD sufferer with an IQ of 49. With a few hidden treasures, movies and sports programmes aside, the programmes above or ones of a similar ilk constitute the majority of the sceduling. The rest is simply panel games, property shows, programmes telling people they’re wearing the wrong clothes, programmes telling people they eat too much, aren’t fit to look after their own children, their house is filthy and they drink too much, but strangely enough none telling them they watch too much television.



It has become a cliché to criticize the Hello and Heat culture of celebrity kiss and tell and reality tv, but there is something terribly wrong with a world in which people with ideas to change things for the better and people who can educate and enliven others are overlooked in favour of people who are famous simply for being famous, or famous for being related to someone famous or famous for once having brushed past Jodie Marsh in a nightclub toilet. With this century comes the death of ideas and content. With the technology of YouTube and widespread digital tv comes the saturization of of what got people watching in the first place.

Maybe there’s a better way to spend those 26 hours a week, reading, going outside or dare I say it coming into contact with other people. So please remember to switch off your set, and for added fire protection, unplug it from the socket. Good night.

Tuesday 22 January 2008

Beard of the Month

If I ever started my own magazine. It'd be called Beard Monthly. This has been so widely discussed that people I don't know have already started sending me candidates for "Beard of the Month". Here is my favourite.

Monday 14 January 2008

Friday 11 January 2008

Notes from Underground Review

Я человек больной... Я злой человек. Непривлекательный я человек.


First published in Art and Soul Magazine 2006

In Dostoyevsky’s most popular novel, Crime and Punishment, the anti-hero Raskolnikov murders an elderly pawn-broker for his own selfish gain lead by his Übermensch-esque philosophy and a hunger to extricate himself from his impoverished surroundings. The vivid detail and chillingly accurate psychological potrait of a killer shocked an 1860s audience and secured Dostoyevsky’s fame worldwide. But the much over-looked prelude to Crime and Punishment, "Notes from Underground" premiers the character of the embittered, out-cast intellectual that would later become Raskolnikov as well as marking Dostoyevsky’s transition from semi-autobiographist and Gogol inspired novelist, to a mature writer of timeless literature in his own right.

Notes from Underground is a darkly comic novella, it follows the unamed main character (often refered to as the Underground Man) firstly through his own cynical life philosophy, and then through a serious of annecdotes (The Story of the Falling Sleet), which explain what lead him to take this unpleasant and bitter worldview, what he calls living his life "Underground".

An Underground Man is intelligent, but out of touch with his animal instincts; he would rather write a withering short story about his enemies than barge past them on the street when he is annoyed. The polar opposite of the Underground man is the "Spontaneous Man of Action", who when faced with a problem, charges at it head first like a bull. The Underground Man’s struggle to decide which role is better peppers much of the first half of the book, but a reading of the second half makes it quite clear who generally comes out on top.

Like Dostoyevsky’s short tale, "A Nasty Story", where the main character gets blind drunk at a wedding party and ends up sleeping in the bridal bed, Notes from Underground is filled with embarrasing and cringeworthy moments that make the reader’s toes curl. Although the main character is an anti-hero, you grow to sympathise with him as he decends deeper and deeper underground and into his own negative mindset.

Notes from Underground is a masterpiece in outsider literature which in Jessie Coulson’s colourful translation seems just as cogent today as the day it was written. Unlike some of Dostoyevsky’s other novels, not a single word is wasted, every end is tied up, and every idea explained. It is the first modern Russian novel, the first piece of existentialist philosophy, it is a sobering fable for any would-be melodramatic tortured artist and most of all, it is simply a brilliant book.

A Quiz



1) Would you like to do a quiz?

Not really

2) Oh...alright then

Busking



First published in Art and Soul magazine 2006

In Sean Locke’s cult radio series, "15 Minutes of Misery", the character of Honest Alf is often heard humming a well-known tune, cursing himself, then phoning up the Performing Rights Society to let them know he owes them several pence worth of royalties. I’m sure no one is really this honest, and luckily the Performing Rights Society will probably not force you to write out a cheque for 42p for singing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" in the shower this morning, but attitudes and laws towards live music are becoming more and more uptight. If you’re wondering why some of the pubs in Peterborough have lost their live or even recorded music, it’s probably due to more expensive music licensing.

I was lucky enough to leave this all behind for a few weeks recently and, with a few other Peterborough musicians and music lovers, visit the southern Spanish city of Granada which has a thriving arts and music scene. We stayed in the caves of Sacremento, just outside of the town along with musicians from all over the world.

We’d spend the evenings playing music by the fire or reading by candle-light in the gypsy caves, which were pock-marked by the wasps that woke us up every morning. On getting up, we’d often be greeted with the sight of other artistically-minded troglodytes fashioning digeridoos from the cacti that grew locally. We’d make our way down to the labyrinth of the city below and spend the cooler parts of the day busking. The local police were known to be somewhat temperamental; they would pass us most days smiling, but we were told stories of people who were told that busking wasn’t allowed and had their instruments confiscated with a several hundred euro return fee.


Over here, the busking laws are a shade more lax, though they vary from city to city. In Peterborough, no licence is needed to take music to the streets, though there are a few simple ground rules if you intend to busk. The most important being that you must not busk on private property.

Busking isn’t just confined to the over-vociferous and under-talented you-hum-it-i’ll-play-it penny botherers that often line the streets at the time when a headache already seems to be coming on, it is a verifiable art form that adds colour and culture to a city, and when done properly, can brighten up someone’s day.

What do Joni Mitchell, Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, Rod Stewart, Joan Baez and Eric Clapton have in common? Apart from some very questionable haircuts, they all started their careers as buskers. Other unlikely street performers include Beck, Coldplay, comedian Bob Hope and flamenco intrumentalists of the moment, Rodrigo y Gabriela.

There are some strange attitudes to buskers, one of the most common seems to be that busking is a type of begging, that all buskers are homeless. Another image of the busker is the Dick Van-Dyke styled one man band, cymbals strapped to the inside of the knees, out of tune guitar in hand, and not much upstairs. These stereotypes are both out of touch and unrealistic, just take a short trip to Cambridge and you will see student bands filling the central square with small audiences and a wide range of musical styles being played down the cobbled streets. And here in Peterborough over the past year, we’ve had Paraguayan harpists, Guitar and harmony bands, Violinists, Gypsy jazz bands, Accordionists, and flute and cello duos.

But at times like these when all forms of live music are under threat, perhaps the days of the street musician are numbered, perhaps the much loved London busker hot-spot Covent Garden will soon be devoid of string quartets, djembe players and all other musicians, and perhaps Honest Alfs will soon be made of us all. Let’s hope not.

The Genius of John Clare



First published in Art and Soul Magazine 2006

I
n May this year, I was kindly asked to play at Dorchester Folk Festival. It was a lovely gig to play, especially after the previous days gig on Clapham Common was virtually deserted due to what seemed at the time like monsoon weather.

After the Dorchester gig, I was told I was staying with a man named Alistair Chisholm who turned out to be the local town crier. He answered the door to me in full town crying attire complete with cuffs, bell, cravat and a large tricorn hat with what appeared to be an ostrich feather protruding from one side. Welcoming me into his home, he made me a strong cup of tea before going to walk the dog.

On finding myself alone, my first instinct after noticing the newspaper clippings of Alistair’s recent nude town crying stint at Studland naturist beach to "maximise the exposure of Dorchester", was to look at the bookshelf that covered a whole wall in his livingroom.

I soon noticed that strangely, the majority of the books seemed to be written on the subject of Thomas Hardy. Books of his poetry, biographies, collections of photographs and paintings, short stories and novels. It probably should’ve taken me less time to realise that this was probably because I was staying right in the heart of Thomas Hardy country (or possibly just in the house of a very big fan).

It seems quite strange to me that a poet seems unwittingly espoused to the area in which he or she lived, a link probably vehemently encouraged by the tourist board. Reading Hardy’s beautiful handwriting and the intoxicating twisting rhythms of his poems such as "During Wind and Rain" which inspired music by Benjamin Britten, Ralph Vaughn Williams and Gustav Holst, I felt a tinge of jealousy that the most our part of the world can hope to be called is "John Clare country".

At first glance, John Clare doesn’t seem to have much to offer; his best known poem "I Am" appears to be the solipsist whinging of a self-pitying loner, he is often seen as a country simpleton with an unhealthy obsession with gypsies, fields and flowers. Much as Wordsworth was publicly slated by Lord Byron for what he saw as a wishy-washy penchant for all that is nice and pretty ("What will any reader out of the nursery say to such namby-pamby?"), Clare is often seen as being nothing but a commentator on all that is dull and clichéd about the English countryside.

Granted, Clare had a talent for writing poetry about nature, and given any beginners guide to John Clare, it is very likely that you’ll be greeted with poems solely about meadows, maidens and skylarks, but he had a whole bredth of talent which far exceeded his label as simply a "Peasant Poet". When reading the poetry of John Clare, you are struck with many conflicting ideas, as Clare was in his own personal life; it is stark and lonely yet strangely comforting, it has a classical elegance but is also brushed by everyday imperfection and crudity.


Clare was removed from school at the age of seven to tend sheep and geese. The preceding difficulty in his grasping the rules of English grammar and questionable spelling proficiency didn’t hinder his early ventures into poetry. He used them to his advantage, using the vocabulary of the farmyard and his own spellings (lady-cow instead of ladybird and frit instead of frightened) and made up his own rules for grammar. "Grammar in learning", he said, "is like tyranny in government – confound the bitch, i’ll never be her slave!". But it was more than these grammatical idiosyncracies that marked out Clare as a special and highly original poet.

Clare had a gift for describing the scenes of the countryside, in the language used by those that saw it most. Unlike a lot of the Romantic poets who wrote in praise of wildlife before him, he had a real understanding of nature.

Clare suffered from mental illness for most of the latter part of his life. He was extremely depressed and his behaviour became more and more erratic, at one point he interupted a performance of Shakespeare’s (someone who in an interview he later claimed to be) The Merchant of Venice, shouting abuse at the character of Shylock. He was admitted to two different mental hospitals, the latter being Northampton General Lunatic Asylum (now St Andrew’s hospital) which he escaped from in 1841 and walked the 80 miles home to Northborough, through Werrington over 4 days. The days spent in hospital were some of the saddest of Clare’s life, although it was when he wrote arguably some of his best poetry. He died at the age of 75 in 1864. His body was carried from Northampton to his Helpston home by train (ironically the only rail journey he ever took).

Sometimes it’s best to remember that when bearing the stress of modern life, or when overcome by the harshness of the city, with the gutteral mating calls of the out of place 4x4s, the concrete mountains and the hordes of workers on their 20 minute lunch breaks, that the perfect remedy is appreciation of, or even a short trip to the English countryside. And when turning on the television to be greeted with the site of "Sex-change hospital" or "Celebrity Love Island" or hearing the dire cacophany of Peter Andre’s comback single, then likewise remember that the antidote is sitting down and reading John Clare. Perhaps it’s more than time for someone to elect themselves as town crier and start preaching the news of our local poet genius.

Alistair Chisholm BBC article
John Clare Poetry online

The Antidote